When fear takes over...

Hello Complete Meltdown... This morning was not cute.  TJ and I have been on cloud nine since our call on Wednesday, but I can't help but be scared, frustrated, anxious, and tired.

Scared - as great as the news was, I couldn't help but compare it to the last 3 times.  This is the closest we've gotten to getting a baby.  Is this real life?  When was the cloud going to disappear?  

Frustration - I wanted so badly to talk to my Mom.  Then as I sat there, I thought about how my Mom so desperately wanted a grandchild.  I thought about all the moments I wished I could call her to tell her that we were pregnant.  I cried at the thought of never being able to tell her that she was going to be a grandmother.

Anxiety - Am I trippin?  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why am I thinking the worst?  Do I need to get medicated?  DAMMIT DORA CALM DOWN!

Tired - Shanny called.  We talked.  I calmed down.  LoL.  It felt so good to talk to someone I could be completely vulnerable with who semi-understood the struggle of infertility.

I will be ok.  Today I was completely ashamed of letting the past affect my positive outlook on the future.  So grateful for Shantel and all of her counsel.  I won't dwell on it too much since it wasn't really a good moment.  But it happened and I don't want it to happen again.  Remember this moment Dora!  Now move on...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One Step Closer to You!

Image
Got word today that your birth mom made it to Bethel. There was so much fear and anxiety these past few days because of the thought that she might not make it out of Alukanuk.  She was supposed to fly out two weeks ago but kept running into issues.  Snowstorms, flight delays, COVID lockdowns, and more.  I can’t explain the peace I felt once Myrlice told me your birthmom touched down safely in Bethel.  She is where she needs to be.  She is safe.  You are safe.  I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards her.  The sacrifices that she has gone through these past few months to ensure your safe arrival into this world may not be one that I will ever experience... but I will be forever grateful for her. Aunty Trayse and Aunty Tarsha were with me when I got the news.  I’m always so thankful for their presence. They’re usually around me whenever I get news.  Good news, sad news etc. etc. I’m so thankful that auntie Tracy was here. She has...
Read more

Changing Tables

Image
Today was such a great day.  After work, TJ and I went over to Adonijah & Jayde's to start working on Baby's Changing Table.  With Adonis already over there, we started sanding and putting the first coat of paint on baby's table.  It was the first time in months that Adonijah, Adonis, TJ, and Myself all occupied the same space together.  As we realized that we needed more supplies, we all hopped in the car and headed to Home Depot.  After spending nearly an hour window shopping for things we didn't need, we realized we were hungry.  We grabbed some Pizza, then went to our old park by house #8, and had a picnic in the dark.  We sat there with our phone flashlights, eating and reminiscing on memories of happier times.  We laughed about the first time we went to that park with Peipei.  Talked about everything going on with Baby.  Got an update from Adonis on everything he'd been going through.  We were supposed to spend the night w...
Read more

Am I moving too slow?

Image
There are moments sometimes when I feel like Mahonri and his Grandma's are screaming at me for taking too long.  Almost as though he's telling on me.  LoL.  Then there are moments where I get overwhelmed by how much we have left to prepare for his arrival.  Each time though, right before my emotional breakdown, I genuinely feel like Mahonri sends me earthly angels to help me chill out.  Last weekend I was planning on driving to Arizona to pick up a crib and more baby stuff from Shantel.  But it just didn't work out.  I don't know who I thought I was trying to do all that after cooking all day.   Anyhow, we were able to find a changing table and a crib for baby here locally.  Although used, both were still fairly new and still in really great condition.  Finding them felt like a steal and after talking to their previous owners about our journey, they were like, "You know what, just take it."  So I did just that.  The crib w...
Read more